Dear Person Who Thinks They Can Parent Better Than Me:

Please refrain from turning around and rolling your eyes in disgust because I am refusing to pick up my 30 lbs three-year-old. She can walk. In fact, she’s been walking for the past 24 months. 

For some reason you don’t recognize the oldest known power play excerised by toddlers worldwide. You see, if I pick her up while she’s screams, “Pick me up, now!”, I lose.  Not only in this moment, but in every moment she demands at the top of her lungs and I give in. 

Yes, she may in fact fall out and pound her tiny fists and feet into the ground. Yep, those are really crocodile tears in her eyes. No, nothing is wrong. She may be a little tired, hungry or grumpy, but trust me, it’s not life threatening. And your children will learn nothing from my child they don’t already know.

Toddlers are in fact masters of manipulation. We think they’re so sweet and innocent when they actually want to bend you to their will. Whether it’s by good behavior or bad behavior, this is normal toddler behavior. 

What should really be going through your mind is how fast you can get on with your day or put your noise-canceling headphones on.  What you shouldn’t do is offer me advice or ask if everything’s all right. 

No, it’s not all right. I’m in the trenches.  I have a war to win with someone who has the upper hand. This bundle of angst is the love of my life and cuter than anyone else who ever lived. Just give me a wink and a nod and wish me “Godspeed”.