Hello, everyone, welcome back to single mommy fabulous episode six, chronic illness and motherhood. And before we get started, I just kind of wanted to introduce you to what chronic illness is. and chronic illness is a condition that lasts usually a year or more, most last a lifetime. And there is no magic pill for chronic illness. That’s one thing that people don’t seem to understand. Getting rest is not a cure, getting rest just allows people to function better. And that goes for anyone whether you’re ill or not. diet changes are usually management tools, they’re not seen as cures, you can manage your illness a little bit better if your diets good, or if you avoid certain foods, but you’re not going to see some miraculous cure. And chronic illness does not always present itself to the naked eye. You could look at someone like myself or Adrian and think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with us because everything changes so quickly with chronic illness. And we’re going to tell you all about it this episode. So Adrian, take it away. Oh, but before we you take it away. I just want to welcome you back. We missed you last episode.
Yeah, I miss everyone and being on the show, but it was a great episode. I was so excited when I heard it. So yeah, good job, guys. Um, yeah, so my chronic illness is I have lupus is a disease that everyone’s heard of, but most people don’t know exactly what it is. They just know someone who’ve had it or someone who’s died from complications of it. So I’ll tell you, lupus is an autoimmune disease, which means that your body attacks itself. So in
people who are not sick,
your immune system, it’s kind of always in the background. But it’s not technically active until a virus or something comes into your body. And then it kind of you know, the switch flips, and your immune system gets really active to get rid of the foreign invader, whatever it is, right? In lupus, my immune system. Foot that switch never turns off, it’s always on my immune system is always fighting, always active all of the time. And since there’s no foreign body to attack, my immune system tak attacks me. And so that results in a lot of pain, a lot of joint pain, muscle pain, and weakness. Some of the side effects are things that I’ve experienced over the years, I don’t actively experience all of these right now. But over the years, hair loss, there was probably three times in my journey that I’ve lost my hair almost completely. Sometimes I get little, like sores in my mouth, they look like little tiny white pimples. They’re not usually painful, but they just feel weird and gross. Now I’ve had Raynaud’s disease, which is when your fingertips turn blue, and go ice cold or numb for literally no reason. Um, various rashes, I bruise very easily I think that’s about the bulk of it. Oh, what they call brain fog, it’s cognitive dysfunction. So there are times it’s better now, but in the past, there have been times when I have gotten to work and forgotten how to do my job. Or there have been times you know, like, you know, you just forget things that you you know, even things that are like routine, it’s just kind of goes out the window. My short term memory is trash.
Because of it
Yeah, you know, so, um, so this is something that affects me daily. But if you were to look at me, there doesn’t look like there’s anything wrong with me. I’m fairly mobile, most of the time. You know, I don’t look like there’s anything going on. So it’s really hard to come People that I’m actually sick all the time. And that I have to preserve my energy as much as I can, because I really just don’t have any, that’s another thing that comes with it is fatigue. And fatigue is way more than just being tired. Yes, you literally feel like you’ve been hit with a sack of bricks, and are just laid out and you can’t really do much. And it’s a persistent feeling. It’s not something that entirely comes and goes. It just the intensity varies, but it’s always there. It doesn’t ever just kind of go away, you don’t ever feel rested. You don’t ever feel like you’ve gotten enough sleep. You don’t ever feel like you’re at full energy, because you’re not. So yeah, so that is me.
Yeah, and I want to echo that, like rheumatoid arthritis and lupus have a lot in common in the fact that they are diseases that attack your body. rheumatoid arthritis is thought to attack the joints more than anything else, it can, when it gets out of control, attack other parts of your body, and actually, your systems and organs. Just a background of rheumatoid arthritis, it’s a progressive disease that causes inflammation. So there’s inflammation throughout my body at all times, which is challenging, I don’t know what joints gonna flare up. So one day, it might be my elbow that I can’t move. And the next day, I can’t move my deck, or I can’t move my knees, I tend to have more problems with my knees. It started out in my upper body with me not being able to even raise my shoulders. So which is really not something that most doctors go, Oh, you have rheumatoid arthritis. It’s hard to diagnose. I’ve known people that it’s taken years, I got fortunate, I went into my doctor and she’s like, you sound like you have rheumatoid arthritis, I’m gonna, I’m gonna check, do some blood work. And I came back with a positive factor for rheumatoid arthritis. And so it was pretty simple, it was less than a month, then I was, you know, immediately put on methotrexate, which is commonly used for cancers, just to kind of bring down your immune system. In my case, it was bringing down the immune immune system. It is a chemotherapy, drugs, drugs, so it is very rough on you. Basically, when I started the drug, it would put me out for two days, I was nauseous, tired, just it was the worst, it almost the cure almost felt, and it’s not even a cure. But the management felt worse than the disease. Because I, I would lose days, I was very fortunate to have a job where I had built up enough time to take off time. But you know, it became very complicated. Last year, when I, you know, for lack of better term, I almost died because of complications of this disease. You know, it was hard for them to figure out what was going on with me when I first went into the ER, with a chronic migraine of three months or three weeks, I’m sorry. They thought that I had excessive blood brain fluid and diagnosed me with something that they’ve I can’t remember the name of I will be sure to put it in the show notes because it’s very interesting disease as well. In fact, it usually shows up in people who are overweight, they put you on these medicines that I feel like again, worse than the the pain of a migraine. So I did that for a couple of months. And then that was in it and then turns out that it was inflammation or pericarditis around my heart. And that I had fluid and from inflammation around my heart. And it was slowly strangling my heart. So that was a very scary time for me because trying to protect my daughter from all that was going on, was what my family was doing. Honestly, it’s not necessarily what I would have done if I had my druthers, but you know, there were moments when I was scared that I would never see her again, that this was the end of my life. That’s how terrible I felt. And I never want to feel that again. To be real honest. Because it’s not it’s not okay to think about leaving your eight year old I have to say
and so you know it should do a little bit more evaluation of your life. But yeah, the disease’s pretty terrible, it’s, and I remember the one thing I remember, I think it was the most hilarious thing was like somebody came by one of my co workers who was fairly new to the department goes, how come some days you walk just fine. And then one day, it’s one leg, and then the next day, it’s the other leg. And then the next day you have on braces on your hands. And I’m like, honey, I will never ever know what’s gonna hurt when and I will never, ever be able to just walk without a cane. Sometimes, and I have it for eight months now. Like, I haven’t seen a gain in eight months. Thank you, God, because I hate canes. And even though I got a cool purple one to go with my purple and Royal personality, but yeah, and no cane. Cute. They’re not cute, especially when you’re young. It’s just like, people look at you like what? I had a man try to race me at the PX, because I had a cane, right? And he had a cane and we both had onset issues. And he was like, Oh, you’re, I’m sure he thought I was an injured vet. It was the cutest and sweetest thing. And he’s just like, Let’s race it. Just because of like, Oh my gosh, thank you for making light of the situation, sir. But I’m also like, I got a frickin cane. Like, I don’t want to cane like, you know, I want somebody to say those are really cute shoes. Not. Not Okay, let’s race down the aisles. All right, you know, um, but thank God for lightness. And thank God for people who are will joke with me knowing that I’m not an old lady. And but there’s something wrong and trying to cheer me up. And I yeah, wherever you are, gentlemen, I love you to death because that was one of the best days of my life. And that was when I was really, really sick. So it, it made my frickin day, I have to say,
Yeah, I think that’s what that’s one of the harder parts, like the physical pain. You know, over time, you get so used to it, that it’s kind of even hard to gauge how much pain you’re in right now. Yeah, I know, I have a hard time with that. People will ask me or like, when I go to the doctor, they’ll be like, Oh, you know, how’s your pain today on a scale of one to 10? And it’s like, for me, it feels like it might be a three to the average person, it might actually be a seven or an eight, you know? Because I’ve been feeling it for so long. Yeah, no, it’s not that bad. And I always try to equate it back to before I got my diagnosis in the pain that I was in, then. Like, I think, Oh, that’s a 10 you know, and it’s like, I’m nowhere near that, even though this is pretty painful. But it’s not that. So it must be a three, you know, and it’s like, it’s never quite right. But I think beyond the pain, I think the the mental aspect of it is almost worse. Because, you know, just like that, like, you were saying, you know, like, even though you are actually like kind of dying, but it’s like,
you know, feeling like you’re going to die.
And feeling like feeling so guilty. You know, when you’re incapacitated, and you can’t do things you can’t cook. You can’t, you know, whatever, like your daily stuff, you know, it’s like, I think that hurts more, you know, just knowing that you can’t, you’re not that you can’t be available, and you can’t do the things that you want to do. You can’t do the things that you know, with people that you care about and and then the kids it’s like, yeah, you know, sorry, kid, but you know, I’m feeling like crap today, so I don’t know what you’re gonna eat. But,
you know, when there’s bad? Yeah, it’s
like, I can’t I can’t do anything about that, you know?
Like, yeah, no, I mean, and when I was first diagnosed, Olivia was two or three, and not being able to pick up your kid is pretty terrible. Awful. You’re just you feel like I’m real jerk. And so you know, despite all the pain and that it causes, you force yourself to do things, you know what I mean? Like, I don’t think I don’t remember if I didn’t not pick her up or if I did, I just remember that there was so much pain and I was having a hard time like walking up the stairs at BART to get to work. So you know, there’s a lot of things I remember I don’t remember neglecting to be a loving mother, but I enjoy it. To say that if you can’t pick up your kid, you’re not being loving. It’s just, I don’t, I’m so affectionate with my child that it’s like, I can’t imagine how devastating that must have been for me like I because I can’t remember. I yeah, yeah. You know, it’s like, I don’t know. And she’s never complained about it. So I guess I did. All right during that time.
Yeah. Yeah, I was diagnosed, Isaiah was he was almost five. It was like, right before he turned five or so it’s somewhere around there. And that was, that was tough. Because I was really sick for a long time. It took almost a year for like, the medication to really work. Um, so it was just it was, it was really tough. And he was so active. And so, you know, crazy and love to play love to run around. And I used to do all those things with him.
And then it just stopped. And he did not understand for a really long time. He thought I just didn’t want to play with him. He thought that maybe like he was being bad. And it was like punishment. You know, and it took a long time. It’s like convincing, like, it’s not you. It’s not anything that you’ve done. Or mommy’s just sick. Like, I can’t help it, you know. And then with Kalia, so I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant with her. You know, yay, accidents. But I did. And, you know, unplanned. So that was interesting, you know, being pregnant with lupus, but, you know, but when she was born, I had a hard time like that, you know, there’s literally days my arms don’t work, because it’s so painful. I can’t move them. You know, and having a newborn and trying to deal with that. When you’re in pain. It’s like, it was really hard. I used to have Isaiah just bring her to me. Sometimes, if I couldn’t get out of the bed, she’s in her crib or something. She’s crying and I can’t get up to get her. I would have to call him and you know, like I say, Please, can you just just put her next to me? Like, I can’t even hold her. But just put her next to me? Maybe that’ll help. Yeah, you know, and I had had him put her like, you know, throw her face is like, in my neck. You know, if they got it worked, but there was just days like that, where I I just couldn’t. And it’s like, the guilt again. Yeah, you know, and that’s just that there’s no way around it. You know, thankfully, there weren’t many days like that. But there were some. And it was just, you know, thankfully, you know, I did have Isaiah and he was old enough to do things like that, you know, and even now, you know, I’ll have moments where I just can’t function. Well, you know, so Kalia. She’s good about you know, making herself stuff to eat. And she’ll come and check on me and bring me water and, you know, tuck me in and stuff.
I wish my daughter was a little more independent. But living with grandma means she’s
not. Oh, like
she like yesterday, she asked me to make her waffles and like those things go in the toaster. Fool. Put that in the toaster. Like I had to tell her. It’s like, I’m not grandma. I’m not going to do everything for you. Because I don’t want you to not know how to do things. Yeah, so mommy’s rules are that I’m the jerk. And you will do it yourself. And I’m okay with being the jerk. All right, because I need her to get some independence regardless of the fact that grandma is grandma. And I have to respect that I’m not going to tell her tell my mom. Hey, stop, make microwaving for her stop doing the things that she at eight years old can do. She’s almost nine. She can do a lot more than you’re allowing her to do. And also if you’re not around, and I’m not well, how is she going to know? Like, I can’t make it down the stairs to make her waffles? Is she gonna starve? Right? You gotta let her learn some stuff. Yeah, I’m just not gonna be here. And I understand your concerns. But she’s right.
And dealing with you know, stuff like this. It’s like, the reality just is that there’s hair stays. When it’s not gonna happen. And yeah, it’s only gonna happen if you make it happen kid.
Right. You know,
that’s just true, but it’s it’s hard and it’s hard for them. Understand, cuz you’re, you know your mommy and you do all the things and I don’t know, it’s it’s tough, it’s tough to navigate, it’s tough to, to know like, what’s the right thing in the world? But that’s parenting. Right?
Right. But is parenting, it’s, it’s hard to know what to tell your kids and what not to tell them and how much they’re going to understand at every age level, like your son, Isaiah, he is old enough to understand everything right? Because you grow. He is an adult. With CLIA, she understands that she put tucks you, you’re very fortunate, my kid understands nothing and refuses to understand. And, you know, I can come home from an infusion, which wrecks me every single time. And she’s like, what’s for dinner? Why? on the couch? What’s going on? Like, really a mic? Like, seriously, girl, to just get your family to understand where you’re coming from, and to understand that you’re not going to get better. I mean, a, I remember when I was really sick, and my friends wanted to take me to, they took me to Apple Hill, which is no yeah, miles away than I thought it was. So I thought I’d be back in time to get Olivia, which I wasn’t. So my mom was mad at me about that. And then she’s like, why are you going out and I’m like, You’re not supposed to be going out. I’m like, the doctor said I needed to start walking. So these people wanted to get me out and some sun and away from the stress of being in the house. And you know, what? their feelings were all altruistic, they were just trying to help. And, you know, she took it as the negative and that was really a little bit hurtful to me, because I’m like, you know, what, this moment was about healing for me, and, and seeing people who care about me and having an ability to talk to them about how I’m feeling because, you know, it’s not like people are coming over to the house and hanging out? Not that I would want them to, and this is pre COVID people. So, Dan, I can put that out there. That is all before COVID.
So, you know,
it’s a challenge to chat. I don’t know, for you, has it been really challenging for you and your kids? As far as it sounds like they understand and they help and they don’t? And the people in your life are very understanding is that been your?
Yeah, I mean, I have to say, I mean, I think I’ve been fortunate in that way. You know, when I, when I was diagnosed, I was living with my sister, and, you know, my niece, Christina. And my mom was still pretty, you know, she was helping a lot with the kids. Because I was about five and teeny was like, three, you know, so she was still helping a lot and babysitting a lot. And like, you know, I relied on them, especially in the, in the beginning, those first few years, I relied on them heavily, because there was like, I almost lost jobs from being so sick, and, you know, all kinds of stuff, like I just couldn’t, it was really tough. You know, and if it hadn’t been for them, you know, I’d have I would have had many more troubles. Yeah. But it’s weird, because like, they were very supportive, but still didn’t understand. Yeah, you know, and so, it was, a lot of times my resting times were seen as laziness. And I am a fairly lazy person, like, I’ll cop to that, you know, like, I am, right. But there are a lot of times where I would be not feeling well, and you can’t tell because I don’t look sick. And I’d be, you know, just laying around and whatever. And it would just be like, you know, so much contention, like, Oh, you know, you’re just not doing that. Oh, you’re, you know, like, I’m using my disease as an excuse, which I would never do that. And they would never say that. But that would be like the feeling like, No, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just saying that because you don’t want to wash the dishes and No, I’ll tell you that. I don’t want to wash the dishes. Like, lie about it, you know? Yeah. But But yeah, but so like, they were supportive and super helpful.
For you, you know, I
Oh, yeah, I didn’t say that part. I have had lupus For I just passed my 17th anniversary, so 17 years,
should we celebrate that?
Wait, is that a celebration or mourning? I’m not sure what you want.
Oh, it’s neither. Yes. It’s a fatality. Yeah. Yeah. So it’s been 17 years. So, you know, over all that time, they’ve been super helpful, super helpful. Um, you know, and my son, I’ve lived with my sister most of that time. And she’s been the most supportive and helpful. And, you know, the period of time when, after Demetrius passed away, you know, I almost ended up in the hospital. And, you know, she basically took care of Kalia for months afterwards, cuz I wasn’t available. Mentally, you know, and physically because I was had a perpetual flare for like, four months.
Well, and that’s stress too, right? Yeah. Like, naturally, once you stress out, the disease takes that as the opportunity to just trash your body. I that’s all I can say.
Yeah, exactly. You know, but yeah, but I’m very long answer to your question.
No, but it No, I mean, no, I mean, it’s not really a long answer. It’s the truthful answer is a struggle, I think, for all of us to get the help accept the help, what to ask for help, but feel like we’re going to get negatively judged, and other people’s perception of what’s going on with us. Right? When I break a promise to my daughter, because I’m not feeling well. It’s often received here in my home as a broken promise by everyone rather than Are you feeling okay, today? Yeah, right. You know, there’s and you I don’t, I don’t think that you can expect that people will get it to that extreme, even though I wish they would.
why would I break promises to the person that I love the most in the world?
I wouldn’t. I don’t, I’m not uh,
most people who have known me for years know that honesty, forthright, being forthright. That’s my brand. Like, I just don’t. So why would I do that to my kid? I wouldn’t. Exactly. And so now I’m almost to the point where I don’t want to even say, we’re going to do anything. Because if I don’t end up doing it, I don’t want to be penalized for it.
Right? And that’s, that’s tough. Because it’s like, you wanna you want to be able to plan things. But, you know, depending on where you are, you know, in your disease and like your healing process, that’s not always possible. It’s not possible always to make plans, or you can make him but doesn’t mean they’re gonna follow through with them, then he was gonna happen and it’s hard to find that the children I used to tell mine, especially Kalia, I, they had Isaiah was more he adapted better to change than clear, does clear has a very hard time with change. So you can’t tell her can’t tell or anything. Because just in case, you know, the very real possibility, it may not happen, you know, so it’s either I don’t tell her at all. Or I’ll just say, Hey, I was thinking about, you know, maybe we’ll go do this thing. You know, if I’m feeling well, and she’ll be like, Okay, and then if it comes up that I’m not feeling well, then she’s like, dang, okay, well, okay, well, you’re sick. So, like, it’s like, then it’s like, okay, but if I were to just say, Oh, we just can’t go, you know, then it doesn’t do well with that. But it’s still hard because it’s like, you know, you want to take your kids places, wanna have fun, you want to go do stuff, you know? And then it’s like when you can it’s just like you let them down. Then it’s like you let yourself down almost kind of just Well, why can’t I just
why can’t I just get over it and move on? Yeah, why can’t I just like, sometimes I I’m getting to the point in my disease where I’m like, get a fucking scooter. Like just Just do it. I don’t want to be in a scooter at a amusement park. I’m down with it because I don’t like to stand in the line. Oh, yeah, all the time. I just can’t. But yeah, I don’t want to get a scooter so that we can go to the beach or we can go to the playground and then you get to watch me sit in a scooter while you run around. And that sounds really dissed. Why am I not a part of your life? Like, why am I being punished? And honestly, sometimes that’s what it feels like, why am I being punished for wanting to love and have fun with my kid and I, it’s hard, it’s hard when you get it, especially like you were talking about the mental aspect of it. With this with being chronically you’re chronically depressed, I mean, I there’s no other way to describe it. It’s like when this cycle comes, where you’re not feeling that well, and you want to make sure that your kid is having fun, and you want to make sure that they’re getting what they need. And but you then your brain gets depressed. And you it’s, I don’t think it’s like a regular depression. It’s just where you’re you start psych talking yourself into this, like, well, you’re not a good, very good parent, and you’re not doing what you’re supposed to. And it’s all negative self talk that you have to unprogrammed yourself, because it’s like, No, no, no, you’re allowed to be sick, you’re allowed to be tired. And you know what, at the end of the day, what our kids will probably remember is how much we love them. And not so much how many times we disappointed them. But how many times we showed up for X, Y and Z and, you know, negative memories unless they’re horrible, don’t stick around as well as these happy good memories for children, which is a good thing. They are so very resilient in that way. Yeah. Which, you know, you have to remember that because if you don’t remember that you are going to continually, negatively talk to yourself and you can’t, because then you can’t parent, being a parent is understanding that you’re going to fail at some things. And for us, we’re failing at physical things, because of our limitations, and it’s not our fault. And being okay with it not being our fault and being okay with not necessarily being like other parents who plan stuff and say, yeah, you know, I can remember that for the last probably three birthday parties, except for the most recent, the three before that. Megan had to do everything. Like if it weren’t for Megan, Olivia wouldn’t have a birthday party because I couldn’t move. I couldn’t do the things I wanted to. She had to get the candle she had to light them. She had to get the kids organized. I mean, and that’s the saddest part of it all is like, I’m like relying on my best friend to do everything for me because I can’t.
And almost like you feel like you just you’re not even a participant in your life sometimes.
Yes. You still
go by? Yeah, no.
Here’s a nice little camera of your life.
Get out of the picture, lady. You’re not in it.
Yeah, yeah, I remember feeling like that in the beginning. I mean, I think you know, in the last, let’s see, I would say in the last like three years or so I think I’m probably the healthiest that I’ve been, probably ever, you know, so I definitely feel a lot better. And I have a lot less flares and a lot less, you know, problems or whatever. But still, it’s like that part of it does it go away. Because even when I have like little ones, like, you know, a couple of knuckles are sweating, you would be surprised like having one or two swollen knuckles, how that can hinder you. Like, come on, you know, and it’s like I type all day. So it’s like if I have folded knuckles, guess who’s not working, you know, but it’s like, even little things like that will throw me into that psych loop. Where’s Yeah, ah, you just can’t do anything. And you know, that’s just ridiculous. Like, your kids shouldn’t be taking care of you. You know, you’re the parents like you need to just get up and suck it up and then it’s just like, No,
no, you get up and suck it up.
Yeah, it’s, it’s it’s a weird feeling. It is definitely. The probably the worst feeling I think is to feel like you are a spectator in your own life.
Yeah, I don’t like it.
You know, I don’t either.
You know, and these days, you know, it’s a little bit easier to be able to like plan You know, trips and, and it’s great like cuz we usually go to Disneyland every year now it’s gonna be Disney World.
But it’s cute now like I they, you know, because he, he does understand. So it’s like he understands how I have to plan the trip, you know, like it’s it can’t just be, oh, we’re just gonna go and that’s the end. Okay, no, like we have to like, I have to think, Okay, well, what are what are what do we want to do? And then I have to build in like naptime rest time. You know, like, all that kind of stuff so that I can make it and be, you know,
pregnant and make it to Downtown Disney parades.
Yeah, you know, and all that kind of stuff. So now it’s my you know, we’ve done it for so long. You know, now we, we were planning a trip to Disney World this year that got canceled. But as we were planning, he was like, Okay, well, if we do this, why don’t we do you know, Animal Kingdom half a day, and then we can go back to the hotel, and then you can rest and then if we want to go back, we’ll just leave you. And that and I was like, yeah, that’s perfect. You know? Yeah, I kind of stuff. It’s like, we got to work that in because even though I feel better. Yeah. You know, the reality is, I’m still sick. So, you know, and I have to plan around it so that I don’t make myself sicker. And I think that is, that’s a piece that people don’t get, you know, like, when you when you plan outings and things like that, and it’s just okay, but if we go do this thing, like, Is there a place that I can sit down? Is there a plan, you know, like, like, people don’t think that far for you? Because they don’t have to deal with it. Yeah, so it’s like something that’s always on your mind. Even when I take kirlian? Somewhere, it’s like, Okay, if we go to this place, like, I know, after this many hours, I’m gonna need to rest. Yeah. Is that going to be possible? And if it’s not, we can’t go there? Or I have
to have it I fall. Yeah, I’m a scooter.
A lion? It happens.
I can imagine. I mean, come on, you know,
those scooters are expensive to rent. But anyway, sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you. But like, so. The world is a better place with a scooter.
You know? Yeah, I thought about one but my, my trouble is, you know, it’s the whole thing of not looking fit. So it’s like, I try really hard not to utilize anything like that. in Disneyland, I have to use a wheelchair. Yeah, towards the end of the day, there’s no way around it, I have to because by evening time, if I don’t take enough breaks during the day, I’m in so much pain, that I can’t I’m not really able to walk. And I don’t always want to go back to the hotel. You know, and I shouldn’t have to, you know what I mean? So I rent a wheelchair. And I tell you what, people are relentless. And it’s like, it’s cool. You know, that’s great that you’re standing up for people with disabilities. But can you please recognize that I’m a person that is disabled sometimes?
I don’t know when it was that I broke down and got my disabled placard. And I’ve had people yell at me and say, You don’t look sick. And I’m like, well, you will fuck you very much, you. I don’t maybe look sick to you. However, I don’t know from minute one. If I start walking, what’s going to change within my that those few, like, I could be 10 steps from a door. And for some reason, my asthma gets triggered, and then I’m gasping for air, or that my knee decides that they don’t like me no more and starts hurting and swelling for no apparent reason. And I’m like, Hi, Oh, I didn’t miss you. But it’s, it’s and I don’t look sick. I look like a healthy person who eats too much. But, you know, I’ve stopped giving a shit. Like I literally had to get over it. And I’m not telling you to do that. I’m saying for my experience. And because I want to be a part of my life. I’ve just been linked. I will do what I need to do to make sure that I can take my daughter to dance practice and that when I when it’s my turn to walk down the stairs and see her dance, I can walk down the stairs and see her dance. I don’t care anymore. You know, like, I literally don’t even care anymore. I’m not here for you. I’m here for her. And that’s what it’s, this is what it’s gonna be.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai