Yesterday, I was home sick so it gave me an opportunity to see what my daughter’s morning routine was.  When it came time to do playground drop off, my fearless kid who faced the first day of school without a single tear, turned into a stage 5 clinging toddler-like preschooler. Even after I showed her that her friend D from her preschool was already on the playground, she didn’t want to surrender my arm.  She didn’t utter a word.  My mom brain said be stern.  Make her go inside. My heart was breaking because I couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to go inside.  Everything seemed to be going so well.

Something most people don’t know about me is that I am painfully shy and social awkward.  I have spent many years perfecting my social face.  Being a military brat, social face was a part of my DNA.  I moved often. I had to learn to adapt to new friends and the lack of “friends”.

I tried to explain this to O last night. Hoping it would give her some comfort, but I doubt my words penetrated.  She kept repeating she only had made 3 friends. All I heard was a tiny breaking heart wanting everyone to like her like they did back at her preschool.

When she looks at her mom, I am sure she doesn’t see me as I really am. She doesn’t know how uncomfortable I am in new social situations.  She doesn’t know that I would rather be alone than introduce myself to someone new.  She doesn’t know I’d rather put up with my “friends” crap than confront them on it. I am socially insecure and I own it.

My mom texted me to tell me she cried this morning. Should I even broach the subject again? Do I leave it alone? I am just left to wonder what the answer is and if there is a magic bullet to make her feel okay with going to school.