I haven’t shared much about my dating life lately. I finally dumped Mr. On-Again Off-Again. It’s off again for good. I finally got the courage to not only recognize a toxic relationship, but to let it go. I had convinced myself, at least momentarily, that he was what I needed at the time. He made no demands on my time, offered the minimal support I needed when absolutely required, and made a good place to escape when life got “too hard”.
It all looks good on paper, but in reality, it was the bare minimum. I needed more support than I even realized. When I took the “lying to myself” blinders off that I realized that he was just using me. Or maybe we were using each other, but either way, it wasn’t healthy.
I’m not blaming him. I was there to give him my everything and he just allowed me to give it. That’s not his fault, but it doesn’t say much about how I saw myself. When you find yourself questioning if you need to ask him how he would feel if some man was treating his daughter the way he was treating me, I knew I had crossed the line. The line where this relationship had the potential to reflect negatively in my daughter’s eyes.
No, I didn’t bring my daughter into the relationship. She met him once. He was perfection with her, but something stopped me from making her a part of our plans. I should have known that meant something significant. It took him taking an unhealthy interest in my friend for me to finally say, “This isn’t for me.”
Being free of the relationship that was poisoning me has been enlightening. I realized, I like being alone. I don’t need anyone. Not unless they add to my life. I got knocked down badly when my marriage fell apart. Rediscovering myself has taken me on a journey that hasn’t been pleasant when it comes to “love” relationships. Maybe I have been looking in all the wrong places for love or perhaps, I am just not fit to date.