Judge Much?

Judgement (noun)
-the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions.

dictionary.com

This began as a thought about political discourse in this country. Then I begun to explore that idea in the larger society. Thinking about societal norms are changing and perhaps not for the better.

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Nobody Knows it but Me

You could ask my heart,

But like a jigsaw puzzle, it’s been torn all apart

Nodody Knows ~ Tony Rich Project

It was a causal thing that he and I had. It was never meant to be serious or have a name. But it doesn’t mean my heart didn’t shatter into a thousand pieces when I found out how he’d been lying to me for three years.

They say that God works in mysterious ways. I have to say, I think I finally understand it more than I ever did before. My ‘support’ on filing day ended up being the very man who would have me listening to break up songs on repeat. I never thought that letting go of him would turn me into a puddle of emotions.

The day of my filing, my friend was there. He and I had something between friends and a full-fledge relationship. Every time we got close to defining what we had, he would switch course. I should have run away the first time it happened, but I was confident that some day he would have as much invested in me as I did in him. (This is the very thing I warn my friends about believing.)

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I sat down next to the self-help center and looked across the hall because I could hear the faintest chuckle. There he was. Sitting on the bench giggling at me and shaking his head. I walked over and took a seat next to him. I asked why he was there. He was veiled in his response , but as my usual course of action, I didn’t press. I told him that I was there for the divorce workshop. After a few minutes, he told me that he was there for the same. It seemed weird we hadn’t spoken of this before since we speak almost daily. I was taken back. I didn’t even know that he was married. I didn’t ask who he married he just offered up his daughter’s mother’s name as his wife. I didn’t know what to say. I mean, it was all new information for me. But still, I was glad he was there. Had he not been there, I am not sure I would have made it across the threshold into the classroom to work on the divorce paperwork. My knees literally buckled at one point. He was behind me and just kept me moving.

What happened next was either divine intervention or pure curiosity. We had both dropped our paperwork in the after hours drop box to have them recorded at the courthouse later as the intake windows closed an hour prior. A few days later I check for my filing number and then checked for his. I check for his to give him a head’s up it was recorded. I mean the excitement of it being real was eating me up. I imagined he felt the same, but the shock came when I saw the respondent’s name to his divorce. It wasn’t his daughter’s mom. It was the name of the ex that had come up every time things between us became serious.

There were options. I could just ignore it or I could confront him with what I knew. I chose the latter. He begun explaining with ‘I’m sorry, but I didn’t want anyone in my business’. Was he for real? He’d been in my house, in my bed and part of my child’s life for three years. How was I already not part of his business. Then he said the one thing that could hurt me, “My daughter doesn’t know I’m married”. The tears broke the dam. What kind of man lies to his child? Even a lie of omission is a lie to me when it comes to children. How was the omission to protect her. It was about his ego. All of it was about his ego. She and I meant so little that honesty was something he didn’t believe we deserved. And so, it ended. I told him I was done with him.

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The problem now is getting over him. We were friends for three years. A little piece of my heart will always be with him, but the lies are too much to bear. No looking back in the rearview.

Fake A$$ Knight in Shining Armor

The first time I heard his voice, it felt like home, the accent of Long Island in a deep tenor. He knew the lexicon that others in my life couldn’t understand. He was college educated and was a man making his own way in his career. He was attentive and always let me know he was thinking of me.  I couldn’t have felt more special if I was actually living one of those story book romances. It made me question if I had always been looking in the wrong places for the quality of man I wanted.  We quickly planned to meet for a date on a Saturday.

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Pismo Beach, California

Just south of San Luis Obispo, there is a stretch of beach for the family who likes to rough it and ride ATVs.

This Labor Day weekend. Friends and I took off to Pismo for family camping. It’s become a bit of a tradition. We load up our trucks and SUVs and head for the Oceano Dunes SVRA.

We arrived Friday night in the dark. This made it hard to find our campsite buddies because every inch of the beach was roped off into campsites and the mile markers weren’t visible. And this first thing I did was manage to be looking for our campsite and get my little Rav4 stuck in the sand. Luckily, I had lodge myself in the sand less than 1/10 of a mile from my campsite. I was rescued by my group and towed into the campsite. (The joys of shifting sand.)

img_3412I was thankful for my instant tent because it literally only took 3 minutes to set up with the expert assistance of my 10 year old niece. It allowed me to get my double cot up in a jiffy and set up my latrine in mere minutes.  I was able to get out and enjoy pizza with my family friends.

img_3413The first night ended peacefully despite the bumpy start. Around noon Saturday, the excitement started. A wind storm begun that gusted for about a five hours. After fighting the good fight, a sand and wind facial, I sought refuge in my car and had a nice nap. My tent became a victim of the winds. The elbow broke and the tent collapsed. Not to mention, my personal camp toilet turned over. Thankfully the contents of the toilet was only the wet stuff.

That evening, the men had packed duck tape. They patched up the elbow so I could make it through the weekend.

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You will end up with half the beach in your car!

The weekend ended in happiness though.  We were able to deep fry a turkey.  Have a Friendsgiving at the end of summer.  The kids got to ride an ATV in the safety of our roped off campsite. The dogs got to rome around and check out the sand.  We had nightly campfires.  Played music as loud as we wanted.  Watched fireworks courtesy of our neighbors. Made campfire S’mores (recipe coming soon).  And generally enjoyed ourselves.

About Oceano Dunes SVRA:

Primitive campsites: no assigned spots, no showers and port-a-potties.

Reservations are recommended.  Cost is approximately $10 a day.

ATV rentals are available and there is day time access passes available most of the time

Windstorms can be fierce. Parking your vehicle behind your tent can help.

RVs are allowed.  Check length restrictions.

4 wheel drive is recommended. It helps, but isn’t fool proof.  Remember to air down your tires for added traction.

Nights can be cold.  Remember your warm PJs.

Don’t expect to hear the waves at night! You’re more likely to hear the humming of ATVs.

Be kind to your neighbors.  People are pretty neighborly and helpful when you get stuck!  I learned that the hard way both times I’ve been in Pismo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Middle-Aged Men, Stop Being So Boring!

I’m not an ageist! But I am going to need men over 40 to stop being so boring. Hitting 40 definitely changes things. You are comfortable in your skin but you deal with not being young and the aging process in front of you. You’re in the middle of your professional life. But everything about middle-aged men feels middle.

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Taxis vs Uber:  A War Turned Personal

Many years ago, when I started using ride share apps, I felt a twinge of guilt not calling a taxi.  There was two reasons at that time I didn’t want a taxi. The first is that they were never where I needed one when I needed one, and I didn’t want to talk to a dispatcher.  The second was they didn’t take credit cards.  By this time, I had relented and stopped carrying cash.  So a taxi just became inconvenient. So, the move to ride sharing was easy.

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Now Serving Side Dishes

My friend and I spent the weekend in Vegas.  During one of our conversations, she said she didn’t understand why people seem to be dating with contingencies or backups.  I told her she’d been married too long and didn’t know how savage the dating world really is. But the more I thought about it, I realized that side chicks, backups and contingencies are the dating norm now. I think there are several explanations for the trend.  Dating seems to be moving away from “traditional” courtships.

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So I Married a Narcissist

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. 

This past weekend I went to visit with a friend of mine who had not met my former husband.  Since we were in Socal near their place of residence, I had them meet my daughter and I at the hotel.

On the way out of the valley and into downtown LA I needed to go by my friend’s house to allow my daughter, myself and travel companion to say goodbye and thank them for the hospitality. We took the other parent (OP) with us.

When we arrived at the house, my friend was gracious and welcomed the OP into her home.  Of course OP turned on the signature charm with the line, “Very nice to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.”  I couldn’t remember if it was true or not, but this was OP’s standard line when meeting new people.

My friend and her husband lead us  into the backyard where we sat down to chat for a while to allow the girls time to play before taking off.  Sitting at the table next to my former spouse is always awkward.  It’s not because of hate radiating from my being, but because I am not sure what to do with myself.

The standard issue questions were asked as the conversation went on. My friend asked OP about their family.  Delved into an issue OP has with their brother. But then, it was time for the OP show.  The part where tears start to fall from their eyes as the pledge their eternal love for me.  Which always makes me very uncomfortable because I don’t know that OP knows what love is. The follow up is an admission that they feel bad about how they talked to me.  Which, is a lie.  The same language and venom comes out from time to time.  On those days, I shut them out for a few weeks in order to get my point across. I know that I no longer have to tolerate the abuse that lead to my first bout of depression while I was pregnant.

I was very vocal this time about how I felt hearing the words love related to me from OP’s mouth with a long gagging sound. It’s immature, but it also allowed them to know I did not buy what they were selling.  As OP uttered the apologetic words about the way we talked to each other, I let everyone know I was not sorry for the words I had said.  I had spoken the truth. I had become enraged by OP’s selfish nature.  I may have called names and used foul language, but I do not believe that speaking quietly and with love could change the outcome of our marriage.  I am aware that to my friends I may have appeared harsh. I admitted to it sounding foul, but what I was saying didn’t come from a place of anger, but a place of recovery.

Narcissist are quite charming.  So charming, that other people believe their elegant words.  They believe that there is sincerity in every word they utter.  They have no idea how brilliant narcissist is at manipulation. Narcissist strive to put forward a socially exciting personality. They can not control the way people perceive their awesomeness if they aren’t socially acceptable.  The problem with the narcissistic personality is that when they are not in the lime light and being praised, they become despondent and often act out.

I have met very few narcissists in my life, two, in fact. One was my husband and the other was my former best friend.  The entanglement with these personalities can make breaking the bond difficult.  The narcissist does not recognize your suffering from their needs. Thier time is consumed by thoughts of the next thing to boost their ego which makes them far from sympathetic. The narcissist will often “call out” their spouse in front of people, whether or not the reason is valid. With all of that said, I will admit, had their not been the big lie that was a deal breaker, I probably would not have been able to leave the situation. Because the narcissist is charming and fun to be around.

Mostly I didn’t want to give up because I did not want to fail at marriage.  I wanted a life long commitment like OP’s parents had. My belief that children from an unbroken home were better at commitment and had better marriages was challenged. Just because you have role models doesn’t mean you will follow in their footsteps.

I saved myself to provide a new type of role model for my daughter. A happy role model who was unencumbered by people’s perception of her.  A role model who would only show her daughter relationships that enrich both of their lives.  A mother who could dedicate her attention to what was really important. This woman would not have existed had she not broken the bond of marriage with her husband.